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Age: 23
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I am 40, my partner is 38 and we have been together since we started working for the same large charity organisation three years ago. He eats himself silly. I met my lover quite by chance on a birthday night out with some friends. We went to a pub for drinks before having a meal. My handbag kept falling on the floor and this guy picked it up for me. The gang I was with was getting noisier and he asked me what the celebration was for.

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Too fat to love? when weight gain is a turnoff

Health Topics. Health Tools.

Emotional Health. Medically Reviewed.

Question of the Week: When my husband and I first started dating, I was extremely attracted to his physical appearance. When I tell him he needs to lose weight he gets angry and really hurt.

What are you facing today?

Is it unfair of me to want him to lose weight? Some couples who have been married for years will tell you that their physical attraction to each other has intensified over the years while others say that their attraction to each other has lessened anyway, even without weight gain.

While changes in appearance are inevitable due to the natural aging process, pregnancy and other health conditions, these kinds of changes are a little more acceptable to some because they are involuntary. It seems like a different story, however, when a spouse gains weight due to their own lack of effort in eating right and exercising. Grey hair and wrinkles will bestow themselves on everyone, but when voluntary weight gain creeps in, do spouses have the right to demand change?

You knew who the person you were marrying was and you should have accepted that a major change was probably not going to happen. Being overweight or obese is also about compromising good health, which means compromising the chances of spending more time together in the future.

This is something an overweight spouse should realize and something that the spouse should stress instead of focusing solely on outward appearance and sexual desire.

Helping Versus Hurting. There is a fine line between helping and hurting someone who is overweight.

Physical attraction – what to do when your spouse is overweight

On the one hand, sometimes tough love is the only thing that will motivate a person while on the other hand, constant criticism can drive your partner to eat more, even if he or she wants to lose the weight. Overeating can be an emotional reaction for many who turn to food to fulfill something that is missing or to cope with harsh criticism.

The weight gain that proceeds may turn off the spouse even more, contributing to the vicious cycle of withholding affection and support.

So how do you find the happy medium? To help motivate weight loss in your partner, you have to draw the line between encouragement and being the food police.

But you have to realize that an overweight partner is only going to lose weight when he or she wants to, which sometimes leaves the spouse out of the equation. To get back in the equation, you should first ask your partner what they believe their needs to be. For example, do they need help with healthier cooking, or do they want an exercise buddy? You can then do an overhaul of your kitchen by getting rid of unhealthy foods and only buying healthy foods from here on out. Accompany your spouse on whatever exercise activities they want to pursue.

Walking is often an easy and effective way to lose weight, especially for beginners, as well as a great way to bond. You can also come up with leisurely activities that focus on fun but also promote physical activity indirectly.

1. explore the intent of his comments

Help research weight loss programs that might be suitable for your overweight spouse. Be proactive! Physical attraction to your husband or wife is not the end all, be all. The mental and emotional attraction and compatibility between two people can sometimes be enough to sustain a healthy and often passionate relationship.